Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Act stupid. Apologize. Forgive. Repeat.

I was wrong. It was my mistake, again, and I hurt you. Why do I use my words as weapons? Take it all away. Take away everything I have, but please don't look at me with those sad disappointed eyes. I'm sorry. I should have never said that. I don't know if it makes you feel any better, but as these tears run my cheeks, I'm not just looking at the bad moments anymore. I'm sorry I couldn't just let go. I'm sorry I couldn't just be the friend you've been to me. I look strong when I've got my bullwhip out, but I'm not. I swear it; I'm not. I didn't mean to hurt you. I never mean to hurt anyone, but it just keeps happening, over and over again, and all I can say is: I'm sorry.  I know I can never take it back. I know it, but I just want you to forgive me, not just say it, mean it, in your heart.

I knew something was wrong this morning, from the very first, one glance and I knew something was different, and in the back of my mind, I knew, I knew, it had been me.

I've never seen you this way. Fifteen years and never like this, and it's all my fault. I'm sorry. Words, I use them carelessly letting them slip out my mouth. They are supposed to be an artist's tool, not a weapon. They were never intended for how I used them. I am awful. I don't deny that, especially when you've been there so many times when I cried, when I laughed, and just there.

Why? Why would I say those things?

Wetting the keyboard are my tears, and maybe you won't read this, but I just want to take everything back. Everything from yesterday. Too many times have I wished for a redo, and I would give anything to redo yesterday. To take back those stupid words. Glancing at the purple-blue winter sky next to those evergreen trees. I can't help but watch that spot in the road where they slipped out of my mouth. Please, please forgive me.

My keyboard is shaking now. I know normally, you'd take the computer I write on if I did something that stupid, but you can't. Can you?

My stupid words.

I can't make this request enough, will you please forgive me for all the stupid things that slipped out of my mouth that cold winter night. Please just forget. Please let us go back to normal like it never happened. Please just be my friend again.

I'm sorry.

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